Feel the fear and do it anyway?

I've never been on vacation alone with my kids. 

I mean I've taken them to the coast, or the river or to the water park but never another state or another country.

I decided we needed something to look forward to.  I'm still a little down in the dumps after the holiday hoopla, really missing my mom.

I booked a cruise for the kids and I.  It's nothing fancy at all but I think it will be a challenging adventure. Four days.  Plus the 16 hours I'll have to drive to get to the port.  This will be a big one. 

It is already pulling me out of my own little universe.  I have to get their passports updated, mine as well.  I need to make a plan for the car trip, hotel room, parking...not to mention Mexico. 

Oh how I need Mexico.  

Of course as a single parent with children in Mexico, I doubt I'll even let my guard down enough to enjoy a margarita.  Maybe one or two on the boat.

I'm a little scared.  I've been to Mexico quite a few times, I've taken them a few times, but when I was married and they were much smaller. 

I think they'll have a blast.  The boat has a waterslide on top and so many fun things to do. 

I personally haven't been on vacation in so very freaking long.  Years and years.  I need this. 

That blue water lapping up over my legs, snorkeling, the sun warming my body.  I can't freaking wait. 

I can't remember the last time I actually relaxed. 

When I was married, I would hold my husband so tight every night and make him tell me everything was going to be ok.  I know now that wasn't true, but it was the only way I could fall asleep.  He wasn't the one for me although we were together for 17 years.  I know that now, he's not made to be a faithful, honest man and those are just non-negotiables for me.  Back to the point...it's my need to have someone else tell me everything is going to be ok that is the subject I'm poking at here. 

It's time for me to make my own way, I am going to be ok because I am going to make sure I am ok. I can say it's time for me to find that strength within and SHINE so very bright but the truth is...I've been doing it all along.  Of course somedays are better than others, but everyday I don't end it all is a day that I've pulled off 'ok'.  He didn't make everything ok, I did that already.   

I got this.

Also I'm considering a big fat change.  I have super long dark hair.  I have for years and years and years.  I am thinking of cutting in to one of those cute 'lobs' with some blonde ends.

I have to darken my hair because it naturally gets blonde in places when I spend time in the sun.  It's sort of a very dirty dark blonde.  No red.  It gets red because I dye it darker and for some reason they put red in every single brand of dark brown hair dye. 

When I was younger though it was like dirty blonde with white blonde highlights.  It's also become wavy over the  years, which is why I think this haircut would look so cute.  I pull my long hair back into a messy bun everyday anyway, it's like having no hair the way I wear it.  I only let it down on rare weekends when I have something to do and let me tell you it takes a million hours to get it blown out, straightened, curled, sprayed, lifted...by the time I'm done I'm sweaty, irritated and no longer interested in going anywhere.  I seriously think it hinders me from wanting to go places.  Well, that and spanx.  I think I'd really like to cut it but then again I would like to date again sometime in the future and my hair is like my hotness safety blanket. 

Ugh...fear.  Nasty concept isn't it?

In other news...my fitbit arrived yesterday evening.  I charged it and wore it all night, wore it to the gym this morning and figured out something so discouraging.  It works off of gps and even though I busted it on the elliptical this morning I get credit for squat.  I'm sure there's a work around, I just need to work on it a bit or maybe in addition to working out I walk anyway because God knows it wouldn't hurt...I do live amidst way too many mexican food restaurants.

Plan imminent. 

Hope you find something to look forward to as well.  It does wonders for being stuck.



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Comments (3)

  1. RRoe

    Sounds like a fun adventure …I liked this part “That blue water lapping up over my legs, snorkeling, the sun warming my body”. That gave me a nice visual. The part where I felt a pain was when you talked of cutting your long black hair. Ok, these are the hormones talking. later.

    January 12, 2016
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